Passing a test of self, or a missed chance at true love?

the sun is rising and i have not yet slept this night as it transitions into the beautiful dawn. the birds are singing to the sun as he bathes the world with the warmth of his love. yet i lay here, rather than rising anew this day, i am kept awake by memories of you. i lay here trying to sleep, clothed in the warmth of the love that i can only hold in my heart and in the confines of my mind. so many thoughts running through my head i just want to turn it off so i can be at peace. but when it brings you in, it is hard to quiet the flood that is born when my energy turns to you. i don't want to live in the past, yet i have regret for so many things i did not do, or say when i had the chance. wondering so deeply why our paths crossed the way they did, for us to only be present for such a brief moment in time. a connection so powerful it may have brought us crashing down from the atmosphere had i given in completely. regret that i never got to kiss you. never felt your breath against my skin. only felt your tender embrace and the look of a familiar gaze from eyes that held an ancient truth that no words could ever convey. Yet I tried to explain it. I tried to express it with what I have been trained to use ... my mind. I should have expressed it with my heart, with my soul, with the very essence that called you forth into my presence. but i held back. i did not open up. only in the solace of my own sanctuary could i assess how i felt and articulate that which i would have said if i wasn't so overwhelmed as to not be able to speak from my heart. feeling afraid of ... i don't even know at this point. something in me resisted. something made me feel that i wasn't ready. that perhaps it was all a test and as soon as i realized i was starting to fail, i broke away and severed the connection. i started to realize the synchronicity of promising myself i could be on my own, without the kind of love that we all dream we will have, yet struggle to find, and comprise our greatest good to maintain, and then seemingly being handed just that in a package that seemed to be designed straight out of every dream I had ever wanted to come true. i promised to be true to myself and in one hours time you and i were together and i left it all on the ground as we soared into the heavens together. unable to find my footing in the strength i had found just before meeting you. it was lost the moment our eyes locked and our fingers wove together. i wrote to you every day until it started to consume me to the point that I had to just let it go. i don't want to dwell on moments that have already come and gone, yet I find myself thinking about what I could have done, should have done, and did not do when I had the chance. I started to come back to myself and remember the promise I had made to my life, to my existence, that I would not let myself get derailed from my path by the pursuit of selfish, passionate, romantic love. I backed away. I built a dam to contain the flow that had become uncontrollable and unbarable to supress. I shut down the transmitter that was tuned in to your channel. And now, as my duties to myself draw nearer to the end, I find myself regressing to those days when I was so consumed by you, and wonder, what if I ...... ?