Passing a test of self, or a missed chance at true love?

the sun is rising and i have not yet slept this night as it transitions into the beautiful dawn. the birds are singing to the sun as he bathes the world with the warmth of his love. yet i lay here, rather than rising anew this day, i am kept awake by memories of you. i lay here trying to sleep, clothed in the warmth of the love that i can only hold in my heart and in the confines of my mind. so many thoughts running through my head i just want to turn it off so i can be at peace. but when it brings you in, it is hard to quiet the flood that is born when my energy turns to you. i don't want to live in the past, yet i have regret for so many things i did not do, or say when i had the chance. wondering so deeply why our paths crossed the way they did, for us to only be present for such a brief moment in time. a connection so powerful it may have brought us crashing down from the atmosphere had i given in completely. regret that i never got to kiss you. never felt your breath against my skin. only felt your tender embrace and the look of a familiar gaze from eyes that held an ancient truth that no words could ever convey. Yet I tried to explain it. I tried to express it with what I have been trained to use ... my mind. I should have expressed it with my heart, with my soul, with the very essence that called you forth into my presence. but i held back. i did not open up. only in the solace of my own sanctuary could i assess how i felt and articulate that which i would have said if i wasn't so overwhelmed as to not be able to speak from my heart. feeling afraid of ... i don't even know at this point. something in me resisted. something made me feel that i wasn't ready. that perhaps it was all a test and as soon as i realized i was starting to fail, i broke away and severed the connection. i started to realize the synchronicity of promising myself i could be on my own, without the kind of love that we all dream we will have, yet struggle to find, and comprise our greatest good to maintain, and then seemingly being handed just that in a package that seemed to be designed straight out of every dream I had ever wanted to come true. i promised to be true to myself and in one hours time you and i were together and i left it all on the ground as we soared into the heavens together. unable to find my footing in the strength i had found just before meeting you. it was lost the moment our eyes locked and our fingers wove together. i wrote to you every day until it started to consume me to the point that I had to just let it go. i don't want to dwell on moments that have already come and gone, yet I find myself thinking about what I could have done, should have done, and did not do when I had the chance. I started to come back to myself and remember the promise I had made to my life, to my existence, that I would not let myself get derailed from my path by the pursuit of selfish, passionate, romantic love. I backed away. I built a dam to contain the flow that had become uncontrollable and unbarable to supress. I shut down the transmitter that was tuned in to your channel. And now, as my duties to myself draw nearer to the end, I find myself regressing to those days when I was so consumed by you, and wonder, what if I ...... ?

Shedding my skin and letting go

This may seem as though I am putting way too much thought into the decision I have made to cut off all of my hair. So for those so inclined to dive a little deeper into my world, I offer you here a bit of rationale and history as to why this is such a monumental and symbolic act that I am about to do. I have decided to cut off most of my hair and donate it to Locks of Love. I have been putting a lot of thought and intention into this, and I realize that this is more than just cutting my hair. This is letting go of all the unnecessary elements that have "grown" up to this point in my life, and it is time to release that which no longer serves my highest self, and my greatest good.

I was trying to think of a way to make some sort of ceremony or ritual out of this experience, to add meaning and intention to why I am doing this, and it made me reflect back on the long relationship I have had with this mane. I have not cut my hair in this manner since I was in 4th grade, when I cut it all off so that it was so short that people who didn’t know me thought I was a boy. Since then I have been letting it grow out to reclaim my femininity, because it broke my heart when my 9-year-old self was not recognized as such. And my hair started to grow back, very, very slowly. I think a large part of why it grew so slowly was my intention for wanting to have long hair. I wanted long hair for the "beauty" of it. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to have the long flowing beautiful blonde hair of the fairy-tale princesses that were a large part of my child hood, the most notable of those for me was Sleeping Beauty. For as far back as I can remember, I would play dress up and put on wigs, falls, or even panty hose and play around pretending to have long, flowing hair.

By the time I reached high school my hair finally reached the length that it was to be at for the majority of the rest of my life up until late last year. I tried everything I could think of and read about to try and get it to grow faster, to grow longer. I tried brushing it very frequently (like Marsha Brady would do) to try and stimulate the hair follicles. I tried taking pre-natal vitamins, trimming it every 6 weeks, using hair masks and expensive shampoos and conditioners to make sure I didn’t have split ends to increase the chances for it to grow long and healthy. Nothing I tried seem to make any difference and it was becoming so frustrating.

I then started to slowly lose the desire to want to be “beautiful” just for the sake of being physically attractive. As I started to grow up and head into the second half of my twenties, I started to see how transient such a thing as physical beauty is, yet something people spend so much time and money and energy trying to attain and/or maintain. When my husband and I first started dating I was a girl that always wore make up when I went out and always had my hair done (straightened to iron perfection or curled), something that he was drawn to and the basis for him wanting to date me. After a while he said he would prefer for me to be natural and just be me without all of that, and he said he thought I was more naturally beautiful than with all of that other stuff, which he felt took away from who I was on the inside.

I started to become more confident in the natural part of me and stopped wearing make up all together (except for special occasions where I wanted to dress up for fun), and would just wash my hair and let it just be as it is. However, in doing so, something inside of me clicked on and I started to become what my husband started to call me over the years, which was a “hippy bitch.” He used to always joke how much he hated “hippies” and our friends would joke about the fact that he married one. As this continued, I started to delve deeper into my natural beauty side, as the world we lived in seemed to focus more and more on the physical beauty side. Granted we were living in a very concentrated area of this type of priority, but it started to permeate more than just me. I started to become irritated at how prevalent this emphasis on physical beauty was becoming, as more and more people were having plastic surgery and putting so much energy into their physical appearance, and less so on the beauty that we all have within.

It started to bother me to the point that it was causing a huge rift between my husband and me. And it wasn’t just with people; it was with the environment and relationships with others. I wanted to be immersed in a place that was more focused on the natural beauty of the land and all its indigenous qualities (rather than the transplants that so commonly replace it). I wanted more quality and less quantity. I wanted to stop buying products all together, except the necessities such as food, to reduce my personal footprint on my local environment. I wanted to be somewhere where the people interact with you, with kindness and compassion and a genuine interest in connecting with you. And the more I tried to live in this way, the more I was met with anger and hostility. The more I tried to live in such a way, the more my husband and his friends and family would do just the opposite, to the point that I couldn’t take it anymore and left (among other reasons). He had grown to despise me because I had changed during the 8 years we were together, and I had grown tired of his unwillingness to adapt to this change I had gone through. We had literally grown apart.

When I moved out and got my own place, I told myself I was going to stay true to this woman I am growing into. I set the intention that I still wanted long hair, but now I wanted it because I wanted to donate it. That if my hair could finally start growing to the length I had always dreamed of having since I was a little girl, that I would donate it. And in the last year it has grown over 6 inches and is longer than I ever thought it would be. As I have been thinking about this more and more, I realize that this is more than just hair that has grown, but myself. I want to cut all but what has grown since my decision to take back control of my life and reclaim my freedom, strength, and independence, which is just below the level of my chin. That was the hair that was fighting to get free, to come out and have it’s time in the sun and moon light. It was making room for a new life, pushing out the old so that it can be released and allow something new and better to come through.

All the hair that spans the length from my shoulders to my waist is the hair that represents the years of confusion and misery and pain and suffering. All of the years of not knowing who I truly was and always looking for the answers outside of myself. All of the years of feeling that what was on the outside mattered more than what was on the inside. All of the years of putting my selfish desires before others. All of the years of trying so hard to be something that I am not. Cutting off all that hair is me shedding my skin so that I can make room for a newer, stronger, more adaptable and authentic existence. Making room for the flood of growth and love and creativity and power that is waiting to come pouring out.

So I thought it would be fitting do this in a ritual/ceremony setting. And what better time for such a ritual than a few days from now, during the full moon, which is a powerful time for setting intentions and letting things go. In trying to figure out a prayer or other form of ceremonial act to do this, I came across the following description of the purpose of a full moon ritual for letting things go, and felt this was the perfect opportunity for this.


Full Moon Ritual
Letting Go

By Molly Hall

The monthly lunar cycle gives you many chances to do rituals to mark a personal turning point or let go. At the New Moon, you can go into the dark and be symbolically reborn. New Moon rituals help you summon your whole Self, and in that magic moment, commit to intentions.

At the full Moon, the energy builds and builds....there's an explosive outgoing aspect to it. All of nature grows and is more vital at the full Moon. This surge allows you to take action on behalf of those new Moon intentions you set two weeks prior. A full Moon ritual might involve taking one solid step, with a symbolic action. And it can be a powerful time to release, cast out, unburden yourself, purge, etc. You celebrate your emergence by stepping out of an old skin, identity, behavior, attitude, relationship. The ritual helps you by marking this inner transformation in a formal way.

A full Moon ritual might involve purification by one of the elements. Most often, it's fire, and done by casting something you don't want into the flames. One idea: 1) Write what you're releasing down on a stick. 2) resolve to let go as you throw it into the fire. 3) Throw the stick into the fire. This can be done as a group, with everyone sitting 'round the fire...or in your own private ceremony. Each person can seal their action of letting go by speaking it aloud, if there's trust in the circle.

Water can be used to cleanse in rituals. I remember a very meaningful full Moon ceremony I had at my house with three other women. We had filled a blue bowl with water and some rose petals. Each of us wrote down what we wanted to draw into our lives on a piece of paper. After we read them aloud, we put our hands in the bowl to signify the cleansing of the old, to open to the new. It's still one of my favorite memories. Mainly it worked because we all trusted each other to be open hearted and share our dreams. When that's there, you can evoke the magic of shifting consciousness at will because the support is palpable.

Humanitarian, Humanity, Human

This most recent natural disaster in Haiti has made me feel such desperation, compassion, and the feeling that all of humanity really needs to pull together and help each other during times like these. It bothers me that certain relief efforts are being delayed or even stopped due to political issues or financial issues with transportation, or military issues. I just read an article about a naval ship staffed with 50 or so medical doctors off the coast of Haiti, whom only had 7 patients on board, most of whom were American's affected by the disaster, because they didn't have proper clearance to take people on board and treat them. In times like these, nationality, race, religion, military, social status should not be an issue. The issue is that your fellow human beings are suffering and we must be able to do everything in our human power to help them with what resources we have to offer. I myself was wanting to organize a relief effort to collect goods, clothing, food, materials, etc. to help these people start to rebuild. Their entire country is demolished. They have very little if any food and water. People are fighting each other in the streets for basics such as water, clothing, and shelter. People in the United States and much of the world just went through the holiday season where they gave and received many items which they don't need, and that these people could benefit from. Even in my tiny apartment where I don't have much stuff, I know that I don't "need" hardly any of it. I would gladly give what I can to help, but all the organizations that I have looked into to donating what I can only want money. Don't get me wrong, money is obviously a very worthy contribution so the funds are in place to help those in need, to buy medical supplies and gas to transport relief efforts to Haiti. But at some point these people are going to need to start rebuilding and many of us have plenty of "stuff" lying around our homes, works, etc, that could help them rebuild.

I have spent the last 5 years working on a PhD that at this point makes me realize is useless in times like these. What good does all this "training" do for humanity. An MD on the other hand can help save lives when disaster strikes. A plumber or construction worker or gardener can help rebuild infrastructure. Once I graduate in the next few months, I am changing my goals around. I am going to become a humanitarian. I am going to see what I can contribute, in terms of my time, efforts, resources, etc, to helping all humans when they need it.

I also recognize there is disaster occurring all over the world. People ravaged by war, injustice, and various other forms of devastation. I want to contribute to making relief efforts, and a real beneficial physical presence less "scary" in some of the worst places in the world where relief workers lives are threatened by the local military/political/militia

presence because their actions and atrocities are the reason why the relief workers are there, so why would they let them in to help the very people they are harming. Why am I even concerned about this? For fear of helping and being killed in the process? I am not afraid to die, just concerned that if I did something of that nature and were to be killed, then my efforts would be wasted because I chose to go somewhere that didn't have the appropriate social mentality to receive the help that I had to offer. Why are we concerned about borders, lifestyle choices, religion, when basic human liberties are threatened, when such terrible acts against humanity are happening?

When natural disaster strikes, it seems more uninhibited compassion goes pouring out to the victims. There is more of a physical presence when it is a cause of nature and not some rogue terrorist organization or military/political group that would only cause more casualties were people to pour in to help. Why is this an issue? I don't know that this is a huge mitigating factor for many people, to be a physical presence of aid in places where it is clearly needed, but I know I would be a little worried about sending people somewhere to help only to have them all killed in the process. The people in those types of disasters, the ones who are in need of the help, the ones who are calling for aid, are barricaded by those that have put them in that situation. And for what purpose? Why do such things to your fellow human being? For power? For money? For land? I can't take it anymore. We are all HUMANS!!!!!!!!! We are all here to live our lives, and enjoy what we each have to give to each other, what the Earth has to offer us, what life has to offer us. When will people stop trying to take everything for themselves? When will EVERYONE start to give???? Not just give resources, but love, compassion, understanding, regardless of where the person is from and what they believe and how they choose to express themselves and live their lives.

I know the work that I am trying to establish is to get people to live in just such a way where we stop thinking of each other in terms of labels based on where we are from, what job we do, how much money we have, what God(s)/religion we believe in, how we chose to live our lives, etc. But in times such as these, it makes me want to leap out of my chair and abandon what I am doing and answer the call of humanity, to help every man, woman and child in need. But that is not entirely possible in the most efficient sense so long as barriers are still up to help people when they need it most.

When you lose everything, you really understand the true nature of humanity and what really matters most. Love, compassion, relationships, friendship, using the natural resources that are around and within us to harmonize with each other. To pull together to make a difference, to make a change. When you take the desire for money, power, greed, prejudice, control of any kind out of the situation, all you are left with is love and compassion and the connection between you and the other humans in your environment, wherever that maybe, whoever they may be.

In times of disasters you hear reports of people looting and hording and beating each other to take what they have away from them so they can have it. The basic survival instinct kicks in, however it is fueled by wanting to make sure you have enough to last for as long as it will for you and your family. So you take and take and take as much as you can and then set up borders/boundaries to protect it from being taken by others. But what people don't see is that the person you took that from is doing exactly the same thing you are. They are just trying to survive and provide for those they love. Now you may have enough for all of your family for a month, but now the people you took from don't even have enough for themselves for one day. If we shared and distributed it all evenly, we would all have enough for a week, and during that week we could get together and create a plan to find more resources together.

I am just rambling at this point, and feeling horrible that I can't do anything to help, other than give blood and donate money. I can only spare maybe $5 or $10, but I have so many clothes I don't need, canned food, and a strong urge to physically travel to these areas and help in whatever way I can, but without proper training what good would I be? I will do what I am permitted to do at this time, and keep working on making that change needed for compassion to roam freely throughout the planet, to aid all of humanity, wherever that aid is needed. But right now I feel a bit useless and selfish. Sitting here working on my dissertation when I could be in Haiti helping pull people from the rubble, helping set up stations to help organize efforts and distribute goods. I feel physically sick right now that so many people are suffering and I feel like there is nothing I can offer to help. The reports are coming in that they believe at least 100,000 people have died in Haiti as a result of this devastation. Our fellow human beings are suffering right now. Please help them. Whatever you can spare, please help them.

Acceptance and going with the flow (or at least trying to)

A few months ago I met a man through a set of synchronicities that changed the way I see other people. About a month prior to our meeting I started to open up to the "flow" of life and started trusting my intuition and various signs and signals I would get and just go with it. As chance would have it, this wound up causing me to follow it all the way to Japan for a spiritual/personal journey that forever changed me and opened me up. Each moment was more and more in sync with my higher purpose than the one before it. As I stepped into the flow more and more, the more the opportunities came to fruition. At the conclusion of this journey I felt complete in myself, comfortable and confident that I could make it in this world alone, on my own, and felt I had finally given up the desperate need to have a partner that would make me feel complete. I finally found that wholeness, completeness within myself. By stepping out of my comfort zone and listening to the messages that the Universe/God/spirit/etc had to offer. As I sat in the airport waiting for my flight back home, I wrote in my journal how I was releasing the pain and agony that I had felt for the various men in my life whom I had grown attached to. That I realized that I didn't need any other one person to make me happy or make me feel complete. That I am completely content just being on my own, in love with life just as it is, knowing that I will always have me and my highest self/God as that internal voice that sooths you in your darkest times.

One hour later I was on the plane going home and just happened to be sitting next to this man whose chance meeting seemed to be perfectly aligned with what I had always wanted. We began talking as most people who sit next to each other on planes do, however this person seemed to know of everything that I have ever wanted to know, had his foot in the door of everything I wanted to do, and shared nearly all of the same passions and desires that I did. On top of that, he had a book of his poetry with him that I decided to read. Now, normally, it would have just been like reading any other set of poems that were beautiful and resonated strongly with me, which I had encountered before, but given the nature of the most recent events that I experienced on this spiritual journey in Japan, the timing of reading these particular poems from this particular person seemed to be nothing short of divine intervention/destiny.

As I sat there, reading his words, I felt I entered a higher dimension and was reading messages from my twin flame, who was trying to get through to me through this particular human's words sitting next to me. The whole time I was in Japan, I was receiving these messages everywhere I went, from random interactions and various things I would read, see, hear. Cryptic messages placed all over the place that in retrospect seemed to be priming me for this chance meeting. For a long time I have said that I don't think it is necessarily the person, the human being, that is your soul mate/twin flame, but that each person is a potential vessel for that divine partner that we spend our lives searching for. That it takes certain cues to open up your perception of that fact to recognize your divine partner channeling their love through the one you are with in each moment. This particular encounter with this particular person happened to be the most intense channel of that divine love that I have ever experienced up to this point in my life. I had heard about it, I had read about it, but I had never actually experienced it for myself. As I read his words, it was as if it was my twin flame speaking to me, trying to open me up, to activate me in a sense, so that I may finally recognize him, here and now. That this being is always with me in a sense, communicating with me through various mediums, yet found an opportunity to channel himself through the form of a person that I would be sitting next to for 7 hours, in hopes of making the connection in the physical plane (on a plane). After reading his words, my whole body started to tremble. I felt overwhelmed with light and love and felt I was starting to physically embody my highest self, and was weeping from this overwhelming feeling. I looked up from the book and looked into his eyes and there was a recognition that I can only describe as seeing true love as it only exists in the realm of infinity, in heaven, the way God would look at you if he could take a human form and show you his love through human eyes. I had felt as though I was in a coma in a sense, a divine/higher dimensional being, who was in a coma by being in this human form that has forgotten who she really is, and had, for so long, been unable to recognize her other half, her partner, in those that she had paired up with in this life, in this form. That each person would try to reveal that to her, but it was like unlocking a door, where you had to have the right key to open it. Only the right set of words would break down the mental and perceptual locks that had been put in place by being in this body, so that my true self, my divine self, could open my eyes and see the greatest love of all, the love that we all look for, in this person sitting next to me.

So after reading his words, the perfect set of phrases to melt away the barriers of my sight to recognize true love, I looked up and into his eyes and I saw a being sitting next to me who seemed more familiar to me than any other person I had ever met in my life. There seemed to be something ancient about this connection, something eternal. The look in his eyes was of pure love, and almost relief that I was looking at him with that recognition. I didn't have the words to express what I was experiencing, but could see it in his eyes that he knew, and that I knew. He said that we would just have to start it off slow, get to know each other, let it evolve naturally, as it is done here. He reached over to grab my hand, and our fingers intertwined to close the circuit of the immense amount of energy that was flowing from my body. My whole body was pulsating, radiating, glowing. As we sat there holding hands, I felt so grateful to all that is that I was finally able to physically see and connect to that one, the one I had been trying to recognize for so long. He drifted off to sleep as he held my hand and I sat there beaming, feeling so greatful and blessed that the search was finally over and I had found the one, at last.

However, that series of events seemed to have taken place in another realm, in another plane of existence, in a higher dimension. The fact that my head was literally up in the clouds (being on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean) during this meeting seems to be the perfect metaphor for all of this. Upon landing in Los Angeles, coming back down to "reality", the all too familiar anxieties and fears and expectations/over-analysis started to set in. I started to daydream about a possible relationship with this person. Started to feel nervous about somehow ruining it, which is when I start to not be my true self and try too hard. I always wonder why the men I really really like are never interested in me. A friend once pointed out it was because when I am around these people, I am not myself, and why would they like me not really being me?

We met up physically one more time after that, however each attempt he made there after to spend time with me, I would blow it off and chose to work on my dissertation instead. And I was unable to express to him how I felt in verbal communication. Only through a series of emails and poems that I sent to him was I able to express this, but during our physical time together I was unable to find the words in the moment to tell him how much he had affected me. He is also a musician and listening to his music had the same effect as his poetry book did that I had read on the plane. I would listen to his music and write him long letters each day about how they made me feel and how greatful and blessed I felt to have met him. It seemed the deeper I fell into this cycle, the more (I was starting to think) it pushed him away. Slowly he stopped answering my messages, or I would get what seemed to be a generic, all encompassing, "thank you" for pouring my heart out. I started to analyze this and doubt myself. He was someone who was very busy and had a lot going on in terms of his music career and I started to think that he was too busy for me, even though I had originally been too busy for him. That perhaps all that I had been sending him was falling on deaf ears/blind eyes due to the mass amounts of messages I am sure he gets everyday due to his up and coming celebrity status.

I started to doubt that I was anyone special to him, that all that I had experienced was just my own perception of it, and to him, I was just some girl he met on a plane coming back from Japan. Another on a list of probably hundreds who would do anything to be his partner. So with that notion in my head, I retreated. I started to see things that I didn't like in him. I lost that connection. I broke away from it because of my own insecurity. In the last month he has come into town a few times and sent me messages that he would like to spend some time with me, however, upon receiving these messages, I would visualize him going through his contacts and just sending out mass messages trying to get a response from anyone. That I wasn't special. That he wasn't sitting there thinking, I really want to see Jessica while I am in LA, but that rather after doing everything he had come down here to do, that I was just an after thought. Who knows if that is true, but unfortunately those same thoughts are what I always resort to when I can't seem to face my own feelings about someone. It is easier to just walk away than actually deal with it face to face, and so that is what I did. Without ever knowing how he really felt. Without knowing if all the scenarios in my head were true or not. I made assumptions and in doing so, killed it before it even had a chance to live.

But if nothing else, I gained a way to recognize divinity in someone else. The ability to see that archetype of true love in anyone. Since then I have had similar experiences, though not as intense as that one, but the ability to recognize certain qualities in people that embody that perfection we look for in our partners. While I was at Burningman this year I met so many amazing people that each channeled this love in various forms, and I just accepted it as each one came and went. Ironically, while at Burningman, I was actively searching for this man, and rather than finding him, I actually met someone else whom I seem to have a more realistic connection with. The first moment I saw him I could see this divine connection, and was instantly captivated and drawn in by his physical/intillectual/spiritual beauty, but I promised myself I wasn't going to read too much into it. So I am just letting it happen naturally, to see where it will go, trying not to want it too much, and doing my best to be honest and staying true to myself in the process. I guess what I need to do now is not pass judgement or make assumptions or over analyze a beautiful thing that is placed before me. To accept it as it is, and not become attached to any ideas my ego will place on it to try and reject it.

Still, I am left with this feeling that my work, my dissertation was at fault with this chance encounter. That aside from all the crazy thoughts I had as a result of that connection, that it was also my inability to maintain the connection because, aside from my own fears and insecurities, that I didn't want to fall behind with school/work. That I couldn't spare one day for what I thought was true love because I would rather finish school as quickly as possible so that then and only then, could I completely focus on true love. Why can't I do both? I have always had this problem. How many times am I going to pass up on something that I want because I am too busy? Why can't I just make time for both? Sometimes I feel that I am literally working my life away. The thing I thought I wanted most is now gone, the connection lost, and I only have myself to blame.

And I end up torturing myself in this self-blame, feeling that this was yet another missed opportunity because I am so busy with school that I forget to stop and live my life. That being said, I am so close to being done with my doctorate that this particular connection is a sacrifice that I am willing to humbly accept. There will be more opportunities for me. It is probably best since I don't need that kind of distraction right now in my life, given my uncertainty about what I want, and the fact that I am going through this painful divorce, and still trying to find my own center. But this particular connection seemed so special. It was something that I had hope about, and now that hope is gone. Acceptance is where I am trying go with it now. Ironically, I was thinking about this person, putting a question out into the Universe of whether or not he was in fact the right one for me. Because I had been having doubts for various reasons, and had since met several other people whom also seem to be potential archetypes of this divine partner. I couldn't make up my mind about which one I wanted most. That perhaps if I could just make a definitive decision about exactly what I wanted, then I would have it. But there are always the various potential partners out there. There are the safe bets that you know you can have a comfortable existence with. There are the ones that you have a strong physical connection to, the ones that you have a strong intellectual and/or spiritual connection to. There are those who seem so perfect that you feel they are out of your league, so you just sit there and pine for them, knowing you will never actually have them (i.e. the movie-star/celebrity crush). I want someone that embodies all of that, and still allows me to be true to myself. Whenever I truly want something, and it is in my highest interests to serve the greatest good for all invovled, I always get what I want. However, on this particular issue, I cannot seem to make up my mind. When it comes to chosing a partner, I am not sure I even know what I want. I recognize things I want, but always seems to find things that I don't like when they make their way to me, and thus it causes doubts to sweep in and confusion takes over. After a failed marriage and spending so much time with someone that I felt trapped being with, I am a little scared of committing myself to just one person if they are not exactly what I want. I don't want to enter into another relationship with any doubt in my heart. I want to love another unconditionally, so I need to make sure that whoever that person is that I can fully accept and love every aspect of them, to love ALL of them.

After putting the question out there into the Universe of who would be best for me, if this particular connection was right or not, within a few hours I had an answer, which pointed to "NO". That this in fact wasn't in my best interests, and wasn't really what I wanted. But part of me thinks that is only the case now because of the fact that I questioned it, doubted it, and ultimately pushed it away, thus changing the very nature of that connection and the potentional that it may have had.

Where I am at now, is that I need to stop using my dissertation as a scape goat for all my problems. "My dissertation destroyed my marriage ... my dissertation ruined this opportunity ... my dissertation caused (insert awful situation here)". I made this choice to live this life, and I must realize that anything that has happened as a result of that is my fault, not the work. Sorry dissertation, it's not you, it's me. Ironically I used to blame my ex-husband for the exact same things, claiming that because I was with him I couldn't "live my life", but it was just an excuse. I need to stop making excuses and just own up to the fact that I am responsible for everything that happens in my life. No one/thing else is causing or preventing anything in my life. Just me. So Jessica, WAKE UP and realize that you are the cause of all your greatest accomplishments, most horrible failures, and everything in between.

I just need to have some kind of self control and stop being so addicted to everything. I get addicted to people, I get addicted to working, I get addicted to torturing myself, I get addicted to whatever I am focused on at the moment. Self control! Although those words seem weird looking at them...self control. Self control? Maybe my SELF doesn't want to be controlled. Sounds like an internal battle to me. ME vs ME. I guess whatever happens ME will win, if we don't annihilate each other in the process of trying to find some kind of peace. Or, I could just LET IT GO. Stop trying to analyze everything. Stop trying to explain everything. Stop trying to find a reason WHY for everything, and just accept everything as it is, but that is so SO much easier said than done.

My ex used to say that this is called being bi-polar, but I just call it, working through the issue at hand, transitioning from one polarity to the other, so I guess technically, you can call that being bi-polar, but who isn't? We all have our issues and our mood swings and our good and bad days. Why put a label on it like that? Why does it have to mean it is some kind of disease or indicate that something is wrong with me? At any given moment something is wrong with me, but the part of me that knows that there is something RIGHT with me is pulling on that other half, trying to bring me back into balance, to help me center myself, to rise above the duality of my personality and just be complete, knowing that the two exist, but not getting too absorbed or lost in either one that you throw the whole system off balance. They each have a place in your world, just don't get so lost in one that the other feels neglected and starts to cause problems. Rise above it all. Don't forget about it all, but just rise above it all. Take the overhead view of your life, the panoramic view, the high road, the position that is in the best interests for ALL.

The trinity, so-to-speak. The fact that in each of us lies a duality of good and bad. Sometimes we are happy, sometimes we are sad. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail. Both sides of the coin exist. But what also exists is your core self, your essence, the very nature of who you are, realizing that these two sides exist. You are here, exposed to both sides, composed of both sides, and also independent of both sides. As if both sides were two teams playing a game on a field. You are that field. You are not either of the teams, you are the stadium that exists so that the teams can play the game. Imagine a triangle, with each team at the bottom vertices, and your very essense is the apex of this triangle, bringing them together into balance to form the trinity that is the nature of your existence. But that is the topic of another discussion all together. :)

Humbly, in light and love

My intentions and a brief introduction to ME

This is the first blog in a series I am calling "Letters to YOU" in which I am using the medium of writing as a therapeutic tool to sort out various issues I am dealing with in my own life. I have noticed that through the process of writing to someone, much like how talking to a therapist who will just sit back and listen to you talk, I am writing through my "problems" so that I can come to a resolution of whatever I am dealing with on my own. Initially a lot of us try to find answers to questions we have about our own lives by looking to others for a guide. By looking outside of ourselves for the answers, we are not finding answers that resonate with the truth of our own selves. The answers that will do that for us come from within. Psychologists recognize this fact, which is why many of them will just sit and listen and let the patient work through it by just "talking it out". Well in that same spirit, I am going to do the same for myself by "writing it out". I could keep a journal, but I find that I am more successful at resolving any inner conflict I have when someone is listening to me, or I know that what I am writing is going to be read by someone. It helps me to really tell the truth and to get to the core of the issue, and then to find my way back out of it with an answer or solution.

That being said, let me provide any of you that might be reading this with a little background information about my life. I was born to a predominately Mormon family in Salt Lake City, Utah. However, my parents, having been brought up in the church their entire lives up to that point, decided to move out west to southern California to start a new life, away from the church. Growing up I always liked to think that my parents did this not only for themselves, but so that I would not be raised to only believe one paradigm about the nature of our existence and God. That they wanted for me to be able to keep a very open mind about all of this and make up my own decision as I lived through my life, using the various lessons that life has to teach us to learn the nature of these two crucial aspects of the human experience.

My parents got divorced when I was about 5 years old, and in retrospect I don't think it had that adverse of an effect on me, however at the time it was happening I was having problems at school with beating up the other children and having emotional outbursts. The fatherly presence in my home was soon filled with a wonderful step-father whom has always had my best interests at heart. And I don't resent my parents for getting divorced. When I was about 11 my father moved up to Seattle, Washington and I thoroughly enjoyed my time that I spent up there, getting to feel that I grew up both in southern California as well as Seattle.

Let's just say junior high and high school were quite the blur, aided by my recreational habits, however I was able to make it to college where I got my B.S. in Biology. During the course of my college career I met and fell in love with the man that I was to spend 8 years of my life with, 3 of which we were married. During the course of our relationship, I graduated college and started graduate school, working on my doctorate in Biology, with an emphasis in Anatomy and Neurobiology. Towards the end of my graduate school experience is when we decided to get a divorce, and thus ensued a long drawn out emotional roller coaster, as I was trying to separate my life from my ex-husband while trying to finish up my dissertation, two feats alone that are very difficult to go through, however I am going through them simultaneously. Couple that with a 29 year old girl who has never really been on her own in the world, coming to grips with her own sense of self and identity, as well as trying to develop her spirituality amidst so many various forms of religious/spiritual/new-age teachings out there and you have one stormy mind that has been searching for an outlet to sort out all of these experiences.

So that is where I currently am, and thus begins my therapeutic journey into the world of using letters to YOU to help me heal myself, through myself, with YOU the audience as the catalyst and canvas for this method of "self-help". Just a warning that most of these blogs may start out seeming like rantings on a soap box, or a self-pity party, but as you will see that as the blog progresses, I slowly start to sort out the problem, or at least, "change the station", so-to-speak, to help get myself out of the manic mood I was in when the blog started. Each blog will be a journey through my mind, sometimes meandering completely off-topic, sometimes seeming like the journey is starting to get so chaotic that the vehicle is going to veer off the road, but I am determined to write as long as it takes to get this vehicle back on track by the end of each journey and hopefully to the desired destination, or at least a comparable one.

And as I am trying to find my own personal center in myself, community, and the human race as a whole, I do delve into a wide range of topics, including religion/spirituality, science, psychology, community/society, etc. I am not intending to offend anyone with anything I say, I am just trying to sort out my own perception of the world around me and my place in it. However, I realize that not everyone will agree with all that I have to say, and some might find it straight up offensive, blasphemous, irresponsible, or perhaps the opposite of that. Just know that it is not my intention to step on any toes or belittle anyone else's point of view. I am just trying to understand what I encounter in my life from the only perspective that I have, my own. Sometimes that perspective is very naive and uneducated, but I try to learn about various things by experiencing them myself, rather than reading about them and what someone else perceives of them. So, many times when I describe something that may be well known by others, it is in fact my own novel description of what I perceive (insert phenomena/practice/experience here) it to be, based on my own direct experience of it, which is unaltered by someone else's influence of the situation.

That all being said, let me also say that I am very grateful for all of YOU, especially those that donate their time to read what I have to offer, and even more so for those of YOU who are willing to leave comments or start up a dialogue on any particular topic. No topic is off-limits and I will do my best to not take offense to anything that is contributed, and give it the fair evaluation it deserves.

Love, light and blessings to ALL