Shedding my skin and letting go

This may seem as though I am putting way too much thought into the decision I have made to cut off all of my hair. So for those so inclined to dive a little deeper into my world, I offer you here a bit of rationale and history as to why this is such a monumental and symbolic act that I am about to do. I have decided to cut off most of my hair and donate it to Locks of Love. I have been putting a lot of thought and intention into this, and I realize that this is more than just cutting my hair. This is letting go of all the unnecessary elements that have "grown" up to this point in my life, and it is time to release that which no longer serves my highest self, and my greatest good.

I was trying to think of a way to make some sort of ceremony or ritual out of this experience, to add meaning and intention to why I am doing this, and it made me reflect back on the long relationship I have had with this mane. I have not cut my hair in this manner since I was in 4th grade, when I cut it all off so that it was so short that people who didn’t know me thought I was a boy. Since then I have been letting it grow out to reclaim my femininity, because it broke my heart when my 9-year-old self was not recognized as such. And my hair started to grow back, very, very slowly. I think a large part of why it grew so slowly was my intention for wanting to have long hair. I wanted long hair for the "beauty" of it. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to have the long flowing beautiful blonde hair of the fairy-tale princesses that were a large part of my child hood, the most notable of those for me was Sleeping Beauty. For as far back as I can remember, I would play dress up and put on wigs, falls, or even panty hose and play around pretending to have long, flowing hair.

By the time I reached high school my hair finally reached the length that it was to be at for the majority of the rest of my life up until late last year. I tried everything I could think of and read about to try and get it to grow faster, to grow longer. I tried brushing it very frequently (like Marsha Brady would do) to try and stimulate the hair follicles. I tried taking pre-natal vitamins, trimming it every 6 weeks, using hair masks and expensive shampoos and conditioners to make sure I didn’t have split ends to increase the chances for it to grow long and healthy. Nothing I tried seem to make any difference and it was becoming so frustrating.

I then started to slowly lose the desire to want to be “beautiful” just for the sake of being physically attractive. As I started to grow up and head into the second half of my twenties, I started to see how transient such a thing as physical beauty is, yet something people spend so much time and money and energy trying to attain and/or maintain. When my husband and I first started dating I was a girl that always wore make up when I went out and always had my hair done (straightened to iron perfection or curled), something that he was drawn to and the basis for him wanting to date me. After a while he said he would prefer for me to be natural and just be me without all of that, and he said he thought I was more naturally beautiful than with all of that other stuff, which he felt took away from who I was on the inside.

I started to become more confident in the natural part of me and stopped wearing make up all together (except for special occasions where I wanted to dress up for fun), and would just wash my hair and let it just be as it is. However, in doing so, something inside of me clicked on and I started to become what my husband started to call me over the years, which was a “hippy bitch.” He used to always joke how much he hated “hippies” and our friends would joke about the fact that he married one. As this continued, I started to delve deeper into my natural beauty side, as the world we lived in seemed to focus more and more on the physical beauty side. Granted we were living in a very concentrated area of this type of priority, but it started to permeate more than just me. I started to become irritated at how prevalent this emphasis on physical beauty was becoming, as more and more people were having plastic surgery and putting so much energy into their physical appearance, and less so on the beauty that we all have within.

It started to bother me to the point that it was causing a huge rift between my husband and me. And it wasn’t just with people; it was with the environment and relationships with others. I wanted to be immersed in a place that was more focused on the natural beauty of the land and all its indigenous qualities (rather than the transplants that so commonly replace it). I wanted more quality and less quantity. I wanted to stop buying products all together, except the necessities such as food, to reduce my personal footprint on my local environment. I wanted to be somewhere where the people interact with you, with kindness and compassion and a genuine interest in connecting with you. And the more I tried to live in this way, the more I was met with anger and hostility. The more I tried to live in such a way, the more my husband and his friends and family would do just the opposite, to the point that I couldn’t take it anymore and left (among other reasons). He had grown to despise me because I had changed during the 8 years we were together, and I had grown tired of his unwillingness to adapt to this change I had gone through. We had literally grown apart.

When I moved out and got my own place, I told myself I was going to stay true to this woman I am growing into. I set the intention that I still wanted long hair, but now I wanted it because I wanted to donate it. That if my hair could finally start growing to the length I had always dreamed of having since I was a little girl, that I would donate it. And in the last year it has grown over 6 inches and is longer than I ever thought it would be. As I have been thinking about this more and more, I realize that this is more than just hair that has grown, but myself. I want to cut all but what has grown since my decision to take back control of my life and reclaim my freedom, strength, and independence, which is just below the level of my chin. That was the hair that was fighting to get free, to come out and have it’s time in the sun and moon light. It was making room for a new life, pushing out the old so that it can be released and allow something new and better to come through.

All the hair that spans the length from my shoulders to my waist is the hair that represents the years of confusion and misery and pain and suffering. All of the years of not knowing who I truly was and always looking for the answers outside of myself. All of the years of feeling that what was on the outside mattered more than what was on the inside. All of the years of putting my selfish desires before others. All of the years of trying so hard to be something that I am not. Cutting off all that hair is me shedding my skin so that I can make room for a newer, stronger, more adaptable and authentic existence. Making room for the flood of growth and love and creativity and power that is waiting to come pouring out.

So I thought it would be fitting do this in a ritual/ceremony setting. And what better time for such a ritual than a few days from now, during the full moon, which is a powerful time for setting intentions and letting things go. In trying to figure out a prayer or other form of ceremonial act to do this, I came across the following description of the purpose of a full moon ritual for letting things go, and felt this was the perfect opportunity for this.


Full Moon Ritual
Letting Go

By Molly Hall

The monthly lunar cycle gives you many chances to do rituals to mark a personal turning point or let go. At the New Moon, you can go into the dark and be symbolically reborn. New Moon rituals help you summon your whole Self, and in that magic moment, commit to intentions.

At the full Moon, the energy builds and builds....there's an explosive outgoing aspect to it. All of nature grows and is more vital at the full Moon. This surge allows you to take action on behalf of those new Moon intentions you set two weeks prior. A full Moon ritual might involve taking one solid step, with a symbolic action. And it can be a powerful time to release, cast out, unburden yourself, purge, etc. You celebrate your emergence by stepping out of an old skin, identity, behavior, attitude, relationship. The ritual helps you by marking this inner transformation in a formal way.

A full Moon ritual might involve purification by one of the elements. Most often, it's fire, and done by casting something you don't want into the flames. One idea: 1) Write what you're releasing down on a stick. 2) resolve to let go as you throw it into the fire. 3) Throw the stick into the fire. This can be done as a group, with everyone sitting 'round the fire...or in your own private ceremony. Each person can seal their action of letting go by speaking it aloud, if there's trust in the circle.

Water can be used to cleanse in rituals. I remember a very meaningful full Moon ceremony I had at my house with three other women. We had filled a blue bowl with water and some rose petals. Each of us wrote down what we wanted to draw into our lives on a piece of paper. After we read them aloud, we put our hands in the bowl to signify the cleansing of the old, to open to the new. It's still one of my favorite memories. Mainly it worked because we all trusted each other to be open hearted and share our dreams. When that's there, you can evoke the magic of shifting consciousness at will because the support is palpable.

Humanitarian, Humanity, Human

This most recent natural disaster in Haiti has made me feel such desperation, compassion, and the feeling that all of humanity really needs to pull together and help each other during times like these. It bothers me that certain relief efforts are being delayed or even stopped due to political issues or financial issues with transportation, or military issues. I just read an article about a naval ship staffed with 50 or so medical doctors off the coast of Haiti, whom only had 7 patients on board, most of whom were American's affected by the disaster, because they didn't have proper clearance to take people on board and treat them. In times like these, nationality, race, religion, military, social status should not be an issue. The issue is that your fellow human beings are suffering and we must be able to do everything in our human power to help them with what resources we have to offer. I myself was wanting to organize a relief effort to collect goods, clothing, food, materials, etc. to help these people start to rebuild. Their entire country is demolished. They have very little if any food and water. People are fighting each other in the streets for basics such as water, clothing, and shelter. People in the United States and much of the world just went through the holiday season where they gave and received many items which they don't need, and that these people could benefit from. Even in my tiny apartment where I don't have much stuff, I know that I don't "need" hardly any of it. I would gladly give what I can to help, but all the organizations that I have looked into to donating what I can only want money. Don't get me wrong, money is obviously a very worthy contribution so the funds are in place to help those in need, to buy medical supplies and gas to transport relief efforts to Haiti. But at some point these people are going to need to start rebuilding and many of us have plenty of "stuff" lying around our homes, works, etc, that could help them rebuild.

I have spent the last 5 years working on a PhD that at this point makes me realize is useless in times like these. What good does all this "training" do for humanity. An MD on the other hand can help save lives when disaster strikes. A plumber or construction worker or gardener can help rebuild infrastructure. Once I graduate in the next few months, I am changing my goals around. I am going to become a humanitarian. I am going to see what I can contribute, in terms of my time, efforts, resources, etc, to helping all humans when they need it.

I also recognize there is disaster occurring all over the world. People ravaged by war, injustice, and various other forms of devastation. I want to contribute to making relief efforts, and a real beneficial physical presence less "scary" in some of the worst places in the world where relief workers lives are threatened by the local military/political/militia

presence because their actions and atrocities are the reason why the relief workers are there, so why would they let them in to help the very people they are harming. Why am I even concerned about this? For fear of helping and being killed in the process? I am not afraid to die, just concerned that if I did something of that nature and were to be killed, then my efforts would be wasted because I chose to go somewhere that didn't have the appropriate social mentality to receive the help that I had to offer. Why are we concerned about borders, lifestyle choices, religion, when basic human liberties are threatened, when such terrible acts against humanity are happening?

When natural disaster strikes, it seems more uninhibited compassion goes pouring out to the victims. There is more of a physical presence when it is a cause of nature and not some rogue terrorist organization or military/political group that would only cause more casualties were people to pour in to help. Why is this an issue? I don't know that this is a huge mitigating factor for many people, to be a physical presence of aid in places where it is clearly needed, but I know I would be a little worried about sending people somewhere to help only to have them all killed in the process. The people in those types of disasters, the ones who are in need of the help, the ones who are calling for aid, are barricaded by those that have put them in that situation. And for what purpose? Why do such things to your fellow human being? For power? For money? For land? I can't take it anymore. We are all HUMANS!!!!!!!!! We are all here to live our lives, and enjoy what we each have to give to each other, what the Earth has to offer us, what life has to offer us. When will people stop trying to take everything for themselves? When will EVERYONE start to give???? Not just give resources, but love, compassion, understanding, regardless of where the person is from and what they believe and how they choose to express themselves and live their lives.

I know the work that I am trying to establish is to get people to live in just such a way where we stop thinking of each other in terms of labels based on where we are from, what job we do, how much money we have, what God(s)/religion we believe in, how we chose to live our lives, etc. But in times such as these, it makes me want to leap out of my chair and abandon what I am doing and answer the call of humanity, to help every man, woman and child in need. But that is not entirely possible in the most efficient sense so long as barriers are still up to help people when they need it most.

When you lose everything, you really understand the true nature of humanity and what really matters most. Love, compassion, relationships, friendship, using the natural resources that are around and within us to harmonize with each other. To pull together to make a difference, to make a change. When you take the desire for money, power, greed, prejudice, control of any kind out of the situation, all you are left with is love and compassion and the connection between you and the other humans in your environment, wherever that maybe, whoever they may be.

In times of disasters you hear reports of people looting and hording and beating each other to take what they have away from them so they can have it. The basic survival instinct kicks in, however it is fueled by wanting to make sure you have enough to last for as long as it will for you and your family. So you take and take and take as much as you can and then set up borders/boundaries to protect it from being taken by others. But what people don't see is that the person you took that from is doing exactly the same thing you are. They are just trying to survive and provide for those they love. Now you may have enough for all of your family for a month, but now the people you took from don't even have enough for themselves for one day. If we shared and distributed it all evenly, we would all have enough for a week, and during that week we could get together and create a plan to find more resources together.

I am just rambling at this point, and feeling horrible that I can't do anything to help, other than give blood and donate money. I can only spare maybe $5 or $10, but I have so many clothes I don't need, canned food, and a strong urge to physically travel to these areas and help in whatever way I can, but without proper training what good would I be? I will do what I am permitted to do at this time, and keep working on making that change needed for compassion to roam freely throughout the planet, to aid all of humanity, wherever that aid is needed. But right now I feel a bit useless and selfish. Sitting here working on my dissertation when I could be in Haiti helping pull people from the rubble, helping set up stations to help organize efforts and distribute goods. I feel physically sick right now that so many people are suffering and I feel like there is nothing I can offer to help. The reports are coming in that they believe at least 100,000 people have died in Haiti as a result of this devastation. Our fellow human beings are suffering right now. Please help them. Whatever you can spare, please help them.