Acceptance and going with the flow (or at least trying to)

A few months ago I met a man through a set of synchronicities that changed the way I see other people. About a month prior to our meeting I started to open up to the "flow" of life and started trusting my intuition and various signs and signals I would get and just go with it. As chance would have it, this wound up causing me to follow it all the way to Japan for a spiritual/personal journey that forever changed me and opened me up. Each moment was more and more in sync with my higher purpose than the one before it. As I stepped into the flow more and more, the more the opportunities came to fruition. At the conclusion of this journey I felt complete in myself, comfortable and confident that I could make it in this world alone, on my own, and felt I had finally given up the desperate need to have a partner that would make me feel complete. I finally found that wholeness, completeness within myself. By stepping out of my comfort zone and listening to the messages that the Universe/God/spirit/etc had to offer. As I sat in the airport waiting for my flight back home, I wrote in my journal how I was releasing the pain and agony that I had felt for the various men in my life whom I had grown attached to. That I realized that I didn't need any other one person to make me happy or make me feel complete. That I am completely content just being on my own, in love with life just as it is, knowing that I will always have me and my highest self/God as that internal voice that sooths you in your darkest times.

One hour later I was on the plane going home and just happened to be sitting next to this man whose chance meeting seemed to be perfectly aligned with what I had always wanted. We began talking as most people who sit next to each other on planes do, however this person seemed to know of everything that I have ever wanted to know, had his foot in the door of everything I wanted to do, and shared nearly all of the same passions and desires that I did. On top of that, he had a book of his poetry with him that I decided to read. Now, normally, it would have just been like reading any other set of poems that were beautiful and resonated strongly with me, which I had encountered before, but given the nature of the most recent events that I experienced on this spiritual journey in Japan, the timing of reading these particular poems from this particular person seemed to be nothing short of divine intervention/destiny.

As I sat there, reading his words, I felt I entered a higher dimension and was reading messages from my twin flame, who was trying to get through to me through this particular human's words sitting next to me. The whole time I was in Japan, I was receiving these messages everywhere I went, from random interactions and various things I would read, see, hear. Cryptic messages placed all over the place that in retrospect seemed to be priming me for this chance meeting. For a long time I have said that I don't think it is necessarily the person, the human being, that is your soul mate/twin flame, but that each person is a potential vessel for that divine partner that we spend our lives searching for. That it takes certain cues to open up your perception of that fact to recognize your divine partner channeling their love through the one you are with in each moment. This particular encounter with this particular person happened to be the most intense channel of that divine love that I have ever experienced up to this point in my life. I had heard about it, I had read about it, but I had never actually experienced it for myself. As I read his words, it was as if it was my twin flame speaking to me, trying to open me up, to activate me in a sense, so that I may finally recognize him, here and now. That this being is always with me in a sense, communicating with me through various mediums, yet found an opportunity to channel himself through the form of a person that I would be sitting next to for 7 hours, in hopes of making the connection in the physical plane (on a plane). After reading his words, my whole body started to tremble. I felt overwhelmed with light and love and felt I was starting to physically embody my highest self, and was weeping from this overwhelming feeling. I looked up from the book and looked into his eyes and there was a recognition that I can only describe as seeing true love as it only exists in the realm of infinity, in heaven, the way God would look at you if he could take a human form and show you his love through human eyes. I had felt as though I was in a coma in a sense, a divine/higher dimensional being, who was in a coma by being in this human form that has forgotten who she really is, and had, for so long, been unable to recognize her other half, her partner, in those that she had paired up with in this life, in this form. That each person would try to reveal that to her, but it was like unlocking a door, where you had to have the right key to open it. Only the right set of words would break down the mental and perceptual locks that had been put in place by being in this body, so that my true self, my divine self, could open my eyes and see the greatest love of all, the love that we all look for, in this person sitting next to me.

So after reading his words, the perfect set of phrases to melt away the barriers of my sight to recognize true love, I looked up and into his eyes and I saw a being sitting next to me who seemed more familiar to me than any other person I had ever met in my life. There seemed to be something ancient about this connection, something eternal. The look in his eyes was of pure love, and almost relief that I was looking at him with that recognition. I didn't have the words to express what I was experiencing, but could see it in his eyes that he knew, and that I knew. He said that we would just have to start it off slow, get to know each other, let it evolve naturally, as it is done here. He reached over to grab my hand, and our fingers intertwined to close the circuit of the immense amount of energy that was flowing from my body. My whole body was pulsating, radiating, glowing. As we sat there holding hands, I felt so grateful to all that is that I was finally able to physically see and connect to that one, the one I had been trying to recognize for so long. He drifted off to sleep as he held my hand and I sat there beaming, feeling so greatful and blessed that the search was finally over and I had found the one, at last.

However, that series of events seemed to have taken place in another realm, in another plane of existence, in a higher dimension. The fact that my head was literally up in the clouds (being on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean) during this meeting seems to be the perfect metaphor for all of this. Upon landing in Los Angeles, coming back down to "reality", the all too familiar anxieties and fears and expectations/over-analysis started to set in. I started to daydream about a possible relationship with this person. Started to feel nervous about somehow ruining it, which is when I start to not be my true self and try too hard. I always wonder why the men I really really like are never interested in me. A friend once pointed out it was because when I am around these people, I am not myself, and why would they like me not really being me?

We met up physically one more time after that, however each attempt he made there after to spend time with me, I would blow it off and chose to work on my dissertation instead. And I was unable to express to him how I felt in verbal communication. Only through a series of emails and poems that I sent to him was I able to express this, but during our physical time together I was unable to find the words in the moment to tell him how much he had affected me. He is also a musician and listening to his music had the same effect as his poetry book did that I had read on the plane. I would listen to his music and write him long letters each day about how they made me feel and how greatful and blessed I felt to have met him. It seemed the deeper I fell into this cycle, the more (I was starting to think) it pushed him away. Slowly he stopped answering my messages, or I would get what seemed to be a generic, all encompassing, "thank you" for pouring my heart out. I started to analyze this and doubt myself. He was someone who was very busy and had a lot going on in terms of his music career and I started to think that he was too busy for me, even though I had originally been too busy for him. That perhaps all that I had been sending him was falling on deaf ears/blind eyes due to the mass amounts of messages I am sure he gets everyday due to his up and coming celebrity status.

I started to doubt that I was anyone special to him, that all that I had experienced was just my own perception of it, and to him, I was just some girl he met on a plane coming back from Japan. Another on a list of probably hundreds who would do anything to be his partner. So with that notion in my head, I retreated. I started to see things that I didn't like in him. I lost that connection. I broke away from it because of my own insecurity. In the last month he has come into town a few times and sent me messages that he would like to spend some time with me, however, upon receiving these messages, I would visualize him going through his contacts and just sending out mass messages trying to get a response from anyone. That I wasn't special. That he wasn't sitting there thinking, I really want to see Jessica while I am in LA, but that rather after doing everything he had come down here to do, that I was just an after thought. Who knows if that is true, but unfortunately those same thoughts are what I always resort to when I can't seem to face my own feelings about someone. It is easier to just walk away than actually deal with it face to face, and so that is what I did. Without ever knowing how he really felt. Without knowing if all the scenarios in my head were true or not. I made assumptions and in doing so, killed it before it even had a chance to live.

But if nothing else, I gained a way to recognize divinity in someone else. The ability to see that archetype of true love in anyone. Since then I have had similar experiences, though not as intense as that one, but the ability to recognize certain qualities in people that embody that perfection we look for in our partners. While I was at Burningman this year I met so many amazing people that each channeled this love in various forms, and I just accepted it as each one came and went. Ironically, while at Burningman, I was actively searching for this man, and rather than finding him, I actually met someone else whom I seem to have a more realistic connection with. The first moment I saw him I could see this divine connection, and was instantly captivated and drawn in by his physical/intillectual/spiritual beauty, but I promised myself I wasn't going to read too much into it. So I am just letting it happen naturally, to see where it will go, trying not to want it too much, and doing my best to be honest and staying true to myself in the process. I guess what I need to do now is not pass judgement or make assumptions or over analyze a beautiful thing that is placed before me. To accept it as it is, and not become attached to any ideas my ego will place on it to try and reject it.

Still, I am left with this feeling that my work, my dissertation was at fault with this chance encounter. That aside from all the crazy thoughts I had as a result of that connection, that it was also my inability to maintain the connection because, aside from my own fears and insecurities, that I didn't want to fall behind with school/work. That I couldn't spare one day for what I thought was true love because I would rather finish school as quickly as possible so that then and only then, could I completely focus on true love. Why can't I do both? I have always had this problem. How many times am I going to pass up on something that I want because I am too busy? Why can't I just make time for both? Sometimes I feel that I am literally working my life away. The thing I thought I wanted most is now gone, the connection lost, and I only have myself to blame.

And I end up torturing myself in this self-blame, feeling that this was yet another missed opportunity because I am so busy with school that I forget to stop and live my life. That being said, I am so close to being done with my doctorate that this particular connection is a sacrifice that I am willing to humbly accept. There will be more opportunities for me. It is probably best since I don't need that kind of distraction right now in my life, given my uncertainty about what I want, and the fact that I am going through this painful divorce, and still trying to find my own center. But this particular connection seemed so special. It was something that I had hope about, and now that hope is gone. Acceptance is where I am trying go with it now. Ironically, I was thinking about this person, putting a question out into the Universe of whether or not he was in fact the right one for me. Because I had been having doubts for various reasons, and had since met several other people whom also seem to be potential archetypes of this divine partner. I couldn't make up my mind about which one I wanted most. That perhaps if I could just make a definitive decision about exactly what I wanted, then I would have it. But there are always the various potential partners out there. There are the safe bets that you know you can have a comfortable existence with. There are the ones that you have a strong physical connection to, the ones that you have a strong intellectual and/or spiritual connection to. There are those who seem so perfect that you feel they are out of your league, so you just sit there and pine for them, knowing you will never actually have them (i.e. the movie-star/celebrity crush). I want someone that embodies all of that, and still allows me to be true to myself. Whenever I truly want something, and it is in my highest interests to serve the greatest good for all invovled, I always get what I want. However, on this particular issue, I cannot seem to make up my mind. When it comes to chosing a partner, I am not sure I even know what I want. I recognize things I want, but always seems to find things that I don't like when they make their way to me, and thus it causes doubts to sweep in and confusion takes over. After a failed marriage and spending so much time with someone that I felt trapped being with, I am a little scared of committing myself to just one person if they are not exactly what I want. I don't want to enter into another relationship with any doubt in my heart. I want to love another unconditionally, so I need to make sure that whoever that person is that I can fully accept and love every aspect of them, to love ALL of them.

After putting the question out there into the Universe of who would be best for me, if this particular connection was right or not, within a few hours I had an answer, which pointed to "NO". That this in fact wasn't in my best interests, and wasn't really what I wanted. But part of me thinks that is only the case now because of the fact that I questioned it, doubted it, and ultimately pushed it away, thus changing the very nature of that connection and the potentional that it may have had.

Where I am at now, is that I need to stop using my dissertation as a scape goat for all my problems. "My dissertation destroyed my marriage ... my dissertation ruined this opportunity ... my dissertation caused (insert awful situation here)". I made this choice to live this life, and I must realize that anything that has happened as a result of that is my fault, not the work. Sorry dissertation, it's not you, it's me. Ironically I used to blame my ex-husband for the exact same things, claiming that because I was with him I couldn't "live my life", but it was just an excuse. I need to stop making excuses and just own up to the fact that I am responsible for everything that happens in my life. No one/thing else is causing or preventing anything in my life. Just me. So Jessica, WAKE UP and realize that you are the cause of all your greatest accomplishments, most horrible failures, and everything in between.

I just need to have some kind of self control and stop being so addicted to everything. I get addicted to people, I get addicted to working, I get addicted to torturing myself, I get addicted to whatever I am focused on at the moment. Self control! Although those words seem weird looking at them...self control. Self control? Maybe my SELF doesn't want to be controlled. Sounds like an internal battle to me. ME vs ME. I guess whatever happens ME will win, if we don't annihilate each other in the process of trying to find some kind of peace. Or, I could just LET IT GO. Stop trying to analyze everything. Stop trying to explain everything. Stop trying to find a reason WHY for everything, and just accept everything as it is, but that is so SO much easier said than done.

My ex used to say that this is called being bi-polar, but I just call it, working through the issue at hand, transitioning from one polarity to the other, so I guess technically, you can call that being bi-polar, but who isn't? We all have our issues and our mood swings and our good and bad days. Why put a label on it like that? Why does it have to mean it is some kind of disease or indicate that something is wrong with me? At any given moment something is wrong with me, but the part of me that knows that there is something RIGHT with me is pulling on that other half, trying to bring me back into balance, to help me center myself, to rise above the duality of my personality and just be complete, knowing that the two exist, but not getting too absorbed or lost in either one that you throw the whole system off balance. They each have a place in your world, just don't get so lost in one that the other feels neglected and starts to cause problems. Rise above it all. Don't forget about it all, but just rise above it all. Take the overhead view of your life, the panoramic view, the high road, the position that is in the best interests for ALL.

The trinity, so-to-speak. The fact that in each of us lies a duality of good and bad. Sometimes we are happy, sometimes we are sad. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail. Both sides of the coin exist. But what also exists is your core self, your essence, the very nature of who you are, realizing that these two sides exist. You are here, exposed to both sides, composed of both sides, and also independent of both sides. As if both sides were two teams playing a game on a field. You are that field. You are not either of the teams, you are the stadium that exists so that the teams can play the game. Imagine a triangle, with each team at the bottom vertices, and your very essense is the apex of this triangle, bringing them together into balance to form the trinity that is the nature of your existence. But that is the topic of another discussion all together. :)

Humbly, in light and love

My intentions and a brief introduction to ME

This is the first blog in a series I am calling "Letters to YOU" in which I am using the medium of writing as a therapeutic tool to sort out various issues I am dealing with in my own life. I have noticed that through the process of writing to someone, much like how talking to a therapist who will just sit back and listen to you talk, I am writing through my "problems" so that I can come to a resolution of whatever I am dealing with on my own. Initially a lot of us try to find answers to questions we have about our own lives by looking to others for a guide. By looking outside of ourselves for the answers, we are not finding answers that resonate with the truth of our own selves. The answers that will do that for us come from within. Psychologists recognize this fact, which is why many of them will just sit and listen and let the patient work through it by just "talking it out". Well in that same spirit, I am going to do the same for myself by "writing it out". I could keep a journal, but I find that I am more successful at resolving any inner conflict I have when someone is listening to me, or I know that what I am writing is going to be read by someone. It helps me to really tell the truth and to get to the core of the issue, and then to find my way back out of it with an answer or solution.

That being said, let me provide any of you that might be reading this with a little background information about my life. I was born to a predominately Mormon family in Salt Lake City, Utah. However, my parents, having been brought up in the church their entire lives up to that point, decided to move out west to southern California to start a new life, away from the church. Growing up I always liked to think that my parents did this not only for themselves, but so that I would not be raised to only believe one paradigm about the nature of our existence and God. That they wanted for me to be able to keep a very open mind about all of this and make up my own decision as I lived through my life, using the various lessons that life has to teach us to learn the nature of these two crucial aspects of the human experience.

My parents got divorced when I was about 5 years old, and in retrospect I don't think it had that adverse of an effect on me, however at the time it was happening I was having problems at school with beating up the other children and having emotional outbursts. The fatherly presence in my home was soon filled with a wonderful step-father whom has always had my best interests at heart. And I don't resent my parents for getting divorced. When I was about 11 my father moved up to Seattle, Washington and I thoroughly enjoyed my time that I spent up there, getting to feel that I grew up both in southern California as well as Seattle.

Let's just say junior high and high school were quite the blur, aided by my recreational habits, however I was able to make it to college where I got my B.S. in Biology. During the course of my college career I met and fell in love with the man that I was to spend 8 years of my life with, 3 of which we were married. During the course of our relationship, I graduated college and started graduate school, working on my doctorate in Biology, with an emphasis in Anatomy and Neurobiology. Towards the end of my graduate school experience is when we decided to get a divorce, and thus ensued a long drawn out emotional roller coaster, as I was trying to separate my life from my ex-husband while trying to finish up my dissertation, two feats alone that are very difficult to go through, however I am going through them simultaneously. Couple that with a 29 year old girl who has never really been on her own in the world, coming to grips with her own sense of self and identity, as well as trying to develop her spirituality amidst so many various forms of religious/spiritual/new-age teachings out there and you have one stormy mind that has been searching for an outlet to sort out all of these experiences.

So that is where I currently am, and thus begins my therapeutic journey into the world of using letters to YOU to help me heal myself, through myself, with YOU the audience as the catalyst and canvas for this method of "self-help". Just a warning that most of these blogs may start out seeming like rantings on a soap box, or a self-pity party, but as you will see that as the blog progresses, I slowly start to sort out the problem, or at least, "change the station", so-to-speak, to help get myself out of the manic mood I was in when the blog started. Each blog will be a journey through my mind, sometimes meandering completely off-topic, sometimes seeming like the journey is starting to get so chaotic that the vehicle is going to veer off the road, but I am determined to write as long as it takes to get this vehicle back on track by the end of each journey and hopefully to the desired destination, or at least a comparable one.

And as I am trying to find my own personal center in myself, community, and the human race as a whole, I do delve into a wide range of topics, including religion/spirituality, science, psychology, community/society, etc. I am not intending to offend anyone with anything I say, I am just trying to sort out my own perception of the world around me and my place in it. However, I realize that not everyone will agree with all that I have to say, and some might find it straight up offensive, blasphemous, irresponsible, or perhaps the opposite of that. Just know that it is not my intention to step on any toes or belittle anyone else's point of view. I am just trying to understand what I encounter in my life from the only perspective that I have, my own. Sometimes that perspective is very naive and uneducated, but I try to learn about various things by experiencing them myself, rather than reading about them and what someone else perceives of them. So, many times when I describe something that may be well known by others, it is in fact my own novel description of what I perceive (insert phenomena/practice/experience here) it to be, based on my own direct experience of it, which is unaltered by someone else's influence of the situation.

That all being said, let me also say that I am very grateful for all of YOU, especially those that donate their time to read what I have to offer, and even more so for those of YOU who are willing to leave comments or start up a dialogue on any particular topic. No topic is off-limits and I will do my best to not take offense to anything that is contributed, and give it the fair evaluation it deserves.

Love, light and blessings to ALL